October 25, 2020 – Welcome Back Randy
It has been a while since my last post due to other personal commitments and a few life challenges. I’m nearing retirement at the end of the year and looking forward to blogging ideas and thoughts again. I want to begin by sharing some thoughts that came to me after a very eye opening event occurred to me and what I took away from it.
July 10, 2018
This isn’t as much of a post as it it an update and capturing of some thoughts that have been running through my mind as a result of things that have recently happened in my life. It has been a while since my last blog which I just noticed was on Trusting. Funny that this at its core is about that same thing.
Since my last blog life has changed pretty dramatically. Went to full time consulting and loved it until I got tired of traveling career (over 25 years). A Credit Union client, offered me a full time position so in January of 2016 came off the road and started working with them. Love being home at night in my own bed and love the people I will be working with that will help take me to retirement in 2021.
Now to the trust issue, but first a bit of back story…..
My father died when he was 62 of a massive heart attack. This has always been on my mind as I will be approaching 62 this coming November. We never knew what caused the heart attack.
This past Christmas I started experiencing a burning jabbing feeling in my chest on the right side. I went to see my primary care physician and we decided it was probably due to my back issues. A few months later had an episode with this situation while I was presenting to our Leadership staff. Immediately went to the Emergency Room at the Austin Heart Hospital. Again no signs of heart attack. I was being diagnosed with Chondritis, or essentially problems with the muscles around the right rib cage.
After two more months, another ER visit, 6 sessions of Arriosti therapy for my back and muscles still, no relief. I finally went to my cardiologist and asked for a stress test. Up to this point all signs showed nothing wrong.
Now the fun begins. Immediately after my stress test, I met with a Cardiologist who informed me that I had failed the stress test and needed an angioplasty. My wife and I were on the phone working to plan a good time when the doctor came in and informed us that all plans had been changed. In his words “we are afraid that if you leave this hospital you will never come back, we would like to take you immediately to surgery.”
Up to this point, my medical advice was “work through it.” So I did. I was walking or jogging three to four days a week (in Texas heat of usually over 90 degrees). Would do some swimming on off days. Every time had to fight through the burning sensatin that was taking my breath away in my chest, and now am being told it was my heart!?
Three hours later I had two stints placed in both my Diagonal and Left Anterior Descending arteries respectively. These arteries are commonly known as “the Widow Maker.” There was a 98% blockage in these two arteries.
As it turns out the typical signs were not there. Typically the burning and signs show up on the left side of the chest. My heart is apparently strong so every time that I went to the ER or some other form of check up, blood work was not showing signs of a heart attack. Every doctor I met with said they could see how that might be missed.
For the first couple of days I was fine but as the reality of what happened to me, anxiety started to set in. In particular trying to sleep, every time just as I would start to doze off I had this feeling of suffocating. During the days I’d have periods of feeling out of control. It was nerve racking and I had no idea of how to deal with it.
In my past I’d never had issues with anxiety. Didn’t understand people that did. Now I realize how terrifying that actually is. It is entirely irrational those fears that we develop but they are real and yet we cause them to be there staring us in the face. Then panic sets in as you see no way out or no escape.
For me the reality is that yes I was faced with a whole lot in a short time frame that was actually life changing. All of it out of my control. But now I probably have more control over my life than I ever have had. I know where I stand. I know what I have to do. I am in control.
As I mentioned interestingly enough in my last blog, “trust” is so key to our lives, our faith, to even our sanity. Without it our minds will run wild and we actually give up more control the more we don’t “trust.” But when we are in that moment of panic it is hard to understand, hard to explain, hard for others to know how to help or support. Statements like “don’t worry about it” and “think about something else” just add fuel to the fire.
I’m thankful for a loving wife that stood by me. Allowed me space when I needed it, was firm when I needed it, but always was there propping me up. I’m thankful for the scriptures around taking captive thoughts and challenging them. Thankful for passages that encouraging letting go to get the peace that passes all understanding.
I decided not to hide what was going on. As I shared, I found more and more people struggling with similar anxieties. A small group of us began to get together and we started working things out together. I’d have never known had this not happened to me. Now we are all better off as a result.
It took some time and I still have episodes, but I’m learning. I have a much deeper respect for those that I’d met before where I really didn’t understand how real the fears over simple things were. It is not something to be taken lightly.
For me trusting is key. When I’m challenged to look away from that trust, challenging thoughts that are trying to pull me away and don’t align with my faith helps me to see how weak and destructive these thoughts are. Overall I’m a better person for it.
He is back! XOXO
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